Explore more of gratitude beyond just positive thinking
By Siti Salihah
Gratitude is more than just a positive feeling—it has a profound impact on brain function and emotional well-being. Clinical psychologist Shireen Olikh explains how gratitude rewires the brain, boosts mental health, and strengthens relationships.
1Twenty80: How would you describe gratitude in a way that highlights its psychological significance?
Shireen Olikh: Great question. Gratitude, at its core, is an emotional state that involves recognizing and appreciating the positive aspects of life and the contributions of others. Psychologically, gratitude builds resilience by enhancing our well-being and equipping us to handle life’s challenges better. When we express gratitude, it strengthens our social interactions with friends, family, and our community, creating more positive connections.
Gratitude might seem simple—like just appreciating the good things in life. But when we focus on what’s going well, it helps counterbalance feelings like anxiety or sadness. Instead of dwelling on what we lack, gratitude shifts our mindset toward what’s working in our lives, making it easier to appreciate the present.
For example, consider our ability to meet today. We often take things like electricity, a functioning computer, or stable Wi-Fi for granted, but they make conversations like this possible. Imagine if, every day, we consciously appreciated these small things—how much it would shift our outlook on life.
“Imagine if, every day, we consciously appreciated these small things—how much it would shift our outlook on life”.
Shireen Olikh
1Twenty80: What specific changes occur in the brain when someone practices gratitude?
Shireen Olikh: Practising gratitude retrains the brain, helping to shift focus away from feelings of sadness, anxiety, or depression. This practice has a real impact on the brain’s structure. When you express gratitude, it releases dopamine and serotonin, which boosts mood and promotes happiness. You may also feel closer to others due to the release of oxytocin, which strengthens social bonds. So, while gratitude may seem simple, it has powerful, positive effects on the brain and overall well-being.
1Twenty80: How does expressing gratitude alter the neural pathways in the brain? What changes might we see in the thought patterns as a result?
Shireen Olikh: When we express gratitude, it encourages positive thinking because it shifts our focus to what’s working and what we appreciate in life. Over time, this makes it easier for the brain to recall positive experiences and develop a more optimistic outlook. It’s like training the brain to prioritise positive thinking and building mental pathways that reinforce appreciation for the good things we have.
With regular practice, we naturally reduce our tendency toward negativity, making it easier to believe that good things are happening for us. Of course, life’s challenges don’t disappear, but having gratitude allows us to acknowledge both positives and negatives and avoid getting stuck in negativity.
For example, one day my car broke down during heavy rain, and my battery died. I remember sitting there and thinking, “Oh, this is terrible,” but then realised there were things to be grateful for. One of my online clients had cancelled last-minute, which meant I didn’t have to worry about missing an appointment. Shortly after, someone offered to push my car to the side of the road, and a tow truck driver arrived, advising me to wait in a safer spot.
There was a furniture store nearby where I was able to sit with air conditioning and refill my water bottle as I waited. Instead of dwelling on the inconvenience, I found myself focusing on each little moment that made the situation better. I think it’s a reminder of how gratitude lets us see what’s working in our favour, even in tough situations, and helps us move forward without getting stuck in a negative mindset.
For some, without practising gratitude, there may be a tendency to remain focused on what’s going wrong, missing out on the support and small positives around them. This mindset shift can have a huge impact on resilience and perspective.
1Twenty80: In what ways does gratitude help us shift our cognitive focus from negative to positive thoughts and what mental processes are in pain?
Shireen Olikh: When we practise gratitude, it encourages us to engage in selective attention and reframing, which means we’re training our minds to interpret situations more positively. This shift builds both resilience and emotional strength, helping us better handle life’s challenges.
The purpose of gratitude is to get our brain into the habit of noticing even the smallest positive experiences. This process gradually rewires our brain to focus on the good. When we’re selectively focusing on gratitude, we’re essentially training ourselves to find what’s working, rather than what isn’t. It’s not about ignoring the negative; it’s about choosing to look for the positive within it. Over time, this reduces the number of negative thoughts we have.
Our brains operate through repetition, so if we consistently think negative thoughts today, we’re likely to recycle those same thoughts tomorrow, reinforcing negative pathways. With selective attention, if we focus on what we’re grateful for each day, we’re actively reshaping those thought patterns to reduce negativity. This approach gradually leads to a decrease in negative thinking and a healthier, more balanced outlook.
“Our brains operate through repetition, so if we consistently think negative thoughts today, we’re likely to recycle those same thoughts tomorrow, reinforcing negative pathways.”
Shireen Olikh
1Twenty80: How does expressing gratitude strengthen our social bonds?
Shireen Olikh: When we express gratitude in our social bonds, we build trust. Trust means we feel this person will be there for us. The more we trust someone, the more oxytocin is released, which promotes bonding. This is why gratitude strengthens social bonds—by increasing trust and releasing oxytocin, which further promotes closeness. Over time, as trust and bonding grow, relationships improve.
Additionally, expressing gratitude acts as positive reinforcement to connect with others. For example, if my friend says, “I really appreciate you reaching out to me,” it makes me feel good because my effort has been recognised. When we feel recognised, we’re more likely to repeat that behaviour, which strengthens the bond.
Gratitude builds trust and increases the likelihood that people will repeat the behaviours you appreciate. That’s why it’s important to express gratitude—being recognised for our actions or efforts makes us feel good. Affirmations are powerful in relationships, and it’s something people should practise more.
1Twenty80: How does gratitude serve as a coping mechanism for emotional pain or adversity?
Shireen Olikh: The main process that gets activated is called cognitive restructuring. This helps us find meaning and positive aspects in difficult experiences. When we go through something hard, we often feel helpless. But the more we express gratitude, the more we can see the positive side of what we’re going through. This gives us a sense of purpose, like maybe this is happening to teach us something or to help us find direction. It motivates us to move through our pain, rather than just sitting in it and feeling helpless.
Another important part is that expressing gratitude, especially during tough times, helps us regulate our emotions. Emotions like sadness, anger, and frustration are all normal—we’re human, so we’ll feel these. But what’s key is how we cope with these emotions. When we can express gratitude, we might still feel sad, but we’re also able to notice other things that are working for us. It’s like holding space for both emotions—you can acknowledge your sadness without letting it consume you because you’re also aware of the positives. Over time, this leads to a more balanced emotional state.
1Twenty80: Why do we tend to lean more easily toward emotions like sadness, anger, or jealousy, while positivity and happiness often feel like something we have to train our minds for? Is it truly easier to experience negative emotions than to stay positive?
Shireen Olikh: Great question. The truth is, we do need to learn how to be happy and positive because if we don’t, how are we going to practice it? A lot of this goes back to childhood. Nobody taught us how to deal with our emotions. When I was young, no one taught me what to do with sadness, anger, or frustration—not school, not parents, no one. So where did we learn it? Mostly from our environment, like TV or family. We saw how others acted and mimicked it.
Maybe we saw people react to anger by shouting or getting upset, and that’s what we learned. Many people grew up this way, without learning how to manage emotions, so they just copied what they saw. The good news is that now there’s a lot of emphasis on mental health, emotions, gratitude, and well-being. This generation, and many of today’s parents, are working on these aspects, which is breaking that cycle.
So why does it feel easier to be sad or angry but harder to be happy? It’s because nobody taught us how to celebrate happiness. We might even be taught, especially in some cultures, not to express happiness too openly—like it’s taboo, or it might invite sadness or jealousy. So we learned to hold back on happiness while expressing sadness or anger was seen as fine.
Our job now is to unlearn those habits and learn how to embrace happiness. For instance, in my women’s circles, I sometimes ask everyone to share a “win” or something they’re proud of. It’s like a ‘humble brag’ exercise because we’re so used to holding back good news. We’ve learned not to share happiness, thinking it might make others feel bad, but this habit blocks us from fully experiencing joy.
We need to learn to embrace all emotions equally. Sadness isn’t bad, and happiness isn’t inherently better. Emotions are just emotions, and understanding how to process them is key. If every time we feel sad or angry we just think, “I’ll be positive,” that’s not the right way either. We’re just pushing emotions away, and one day they’ll build up.
1Twenty80: How is being in denial different from turning negative thoughts into positive ones?
Shireen Olikh: The difference here is that I can express gratitude while also accepting that I feel frustrated about a situation. Two things can exist at the same time. What I’m choosing to do is acknowledge my frustration and hold space for it. I might ask myself, “Why am I frustrated? What happened?” Once I’ve acknowledged and processed my frustration, I can shift my focus. After releasing that feeling, I might then ask, “What do I have to be grateful for?”
It’s about allowing both emotions to exist simultaneously. I don’t just brush off my frustration by saying, “Oh, it’s fine because I still have electricity and water.” That would be denial because I wouldn’t be processing my frustration.
Emotions are on the same level—they’re all just emotions. If we label certain emotions as “good” or “bad,” we may avoid processing the “bad” ones. But if we see all emotions as normal and allow ourselves to feel and release them healthily, it becomes easier to manage. For example, feeling anger is normal, but it’s not productive to scream or throw things. Instead, we can learn to process anger in a balanced way.
1Twenty80: Are there cultural factors that influence how gratitude is perceived and practised? How do these factors affect the psychological impact?
Shireen Olikh: Yes, cultural factors play a role in how gratitude is expressed and valued. In some cultures, the focus is more on community, so gratitude may be shown when someone contributes to the collective well-being. In contrast, other cultures emphasise individual achievements, so gratitude might be more about recognising personal milestones and accomplishments.
Psychologically, this influences how gratitude is communicated. In certain cultures, gratitude is openly expressed through words, like telling someone, “I’m so grateful to have you in my life.” Hearing this acknowledgment can affect how we feel, potentially releasing positive hormones and enhancing happiness. In other cultures, gratitude might be more subtle—implied through a smile or a small gesture rather than spoken directly. This indirect expression can impact how one perceives gratitude, as the lack of verbal acknowledgment may lead to a different psychological effect than openly hearing it.
“In some cultures, the focus is more on community, so gratitude may be shown when someone contributes to the collective well-being. In contrast, other cultures emphasise individual achievements, so gratitude might be more about recognising personal milestones and accomplishments”.
Shireen Olikh
1Twenty80: Are some cultures better at showing gratitude than others, or is there something all cultures need to work on?
Shireen Olikh: I wouldn’t say one culture is better than another, but instead, we can look at what practices might be more beneficial. Open and respectful communication, for example, has a much more positive effect on an individual. In many Asian cultures, we don’t often hear phrases like, “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.” Openly expressing love or gratitude isn’t as common; it’s often more implied and subtle. In Western cultures, though, there’s typically more focus on openly expressing these feelings, which has a noticeable impact on the person receiving it.
Over time, this openness creates a healthier environment, not just for this generation but for generations to come. It’s like a ripple effect—it helps you, the people around you now, and others who may be positively influenced by it in the future.
1Twenty80: What misconceptions about gratitude can hinder its effectiveness? And how do these misconceptions reflect misunderstandings of the gratitude mechanism?
Shireen Olikh: I think one misunderstanding is that people often view gratitude as just a way to be nice. But actually, gratitude itself is a deep emotional experience. When we express true gratitude, there’s a strong emotional reaction. It’s a bonding experience—sometimes with yourself, as you recognise how much there is to appreciate. If we reduce gratitude to a simple “nice thing to do,” we miss its depth and the emotional charge it brings to our lives. To truly benefit, we need to feel the value of the people and things around us.
An example of this is air conditioning. We don’t usually think about it when it’s working, but when it breaks, we realise how grateful we are for the comfort it provides. Why is it that when we have something, we don’t actively appreciate it, yet feel its absence so keenly? That’s what we need to understand about gratitude—it’s recognising what we have, while we have it.
A lot of people keep a gratitude journal, which is great, but it’s not enough just to write down things we’re grateful for; we need to feel them. When we don’t connect emotionally, it’s no surprise people say, “I wrote it down, but I don’t feel any different.”
Here’s a personal example: a few months ago, I was in Bali, alone, and I lost my voice. Being alone and unable to speak made everything more challenging. I had to write on my phone to communicate, and I didn’t have my usual doctor around. It took almost a week for my voice to come back, and in that time, people would ask me, “Are you mute?” I gained a new understanding of what life might be like for those who can’t speak. When my voice returned, I felt immense gratitude for it—something I’d always taken for granted.
That experience reminded me how easy life is when I can speak, use my hands and feet, see, hear, and just be healthy. Since then, I’ve felt so grateful for my health, and it’s made me realise how much I used to overlook the simple things that make life easier.
1Twenty80: How does the practice of gratitude influence self-esteem at a cognitive label? And what mechanism facilitates this connection?
Shireen Olikh: The more we express gratitude, especially for ourselves—what are we happy to have in our lives about ourselves—the more it leads to positive self-reflection. You need to ask yourself, what are you grateful for about yourself? When you focus on that, you reduce the comparison aspect. You’re not looking at what someone else has or their abilities; you’re just focusing on yours. This is how gratitude can help boost self-esteem.
The more we focus on ourselves and what we’re grateful for, the more we appreciate our strengths and what we contribute to society or our achievements. If we’re always comparing ourselves to others, it reduces our self-esteem because comparison implies that someone else is better than us. But comparison is tricky because we’ve grown up with it. It feels familiar, but we need to unlearn it because comparison has no benefit. We all operate differently, and we each have our journey.
For example, it took me 8 months longer than my batchmates to finish my master’s programme. They had already started working because they finished at the two-year mark, but I was still working on my research paper. At that moment, how would comparing myself to them have benefited me? That was their journey, and mine was different. I changed my research topic twice, so it took longer. Instead of comparing, I focused on what I was grateful for that I finished and that I picked a topic I was passionate about. What others are doing in their lives is none of our business.
We learn this comparison from an early age, often through our parents. Think about how we were told, “Look at your cousin, look at your sibling.” Imagine if we went to them and said, “You know, my friend’s parents tell them every day, ‘I’m so proud of you, I love you.’ My friend’s parents never once scolded them.” How would they feel? So, don’t compare.
The only time we should compare is to our past selves. That’s your only competition in life—it’s you versus you. When you compare yourself to others, you’re just going to feel bad, unless, of course, you’re motivated by it.
Shireen Olikh
1Twenty80: Why isn’t comparison beneficial when we’re measuring ourselves against others?
Shireen Olikh: The only time we should compare is to our past selves. That’s your only competition in life—it’s you versus you. When you compare yourself to others, you’re just going to feel bad, unless, of course, you’re motivated by it. For example, if you see that your friend had difficulty with public speaking, took a course, and is now a great speaker, and you feel motivated to work on yourself, that’s great! Then, compare because you’re motivated by it.
But don’t compare if it makes you feel bad. If you think, “I’m so behind, how come I’m not there yet?” that isn’t good. You’re reducing your self-esteem and confidence. Comparison can have both positive and negative aspects. Focus on the positive outcome—if that person can do it, so can you. But if you’re comparing and thinking, “That person has done it, and I haven’t, I’m behind,” that’s not a healthy comparison. You’re just going to feel bad about yourself.
1Twenty80: Can feeling gratitude sometimes lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy? What psychological processes might have caused this reaction?
Shireen Olikh: Yes, sometimes gratitude can make us feel guilty or inadequate. This happens when the person doesn’t believe they deserve their blessings. For example, if someone gives you $1,000,000, instead of feeling grateful, you might think, “I feel bad because there are people out there with nothing, and I have so much.” Why do you feel guilty? Because internally, you don’t believe you deserve that blessing.
If you’re practising gratitude and you feel guilty, you should go deeper into the belief system that’s blocking you, which is the belief that you are unworthy. If you feel unworthy, no matter how much gratitude you practise, you will feel guilty. This is a form of cognitive dissonance, where there’s an internal conflict. You feel you don’t deserve something, which leads to negative emotions. To overcome this, you need to practise more gratitude.
Think of it in two layers: Gratitude is layer one, but if you feel guilty, it’s because of a deeper layer – the belief that you are unworthy. Everything in our life comes from our belief system. Positive beliefs might include “I am worthy,” “People can be trusted,” “The world is safe,” “I am good enough,” or “I am lovable.” Negative beliefs, on the other hand, might be “I am unworthy,” “My friends don’t like me,” “I am unlovable,” or “The world is dangerous.”
Now, imagine feeling like you’re not good enough, and then receiving a promotion at work. You wouldn’t feel happy; you’d feel guilty, thinking, “Why did I get the promotion? Why didn’t Susan get it? She’s so much better than me.” You won’t feel good about your blessings because, deep down, you don’t believe you deserve them.
1Twenty80: What areas of gratitude do you think hold promise for uncovering new mechanisms? Are there particular aspects of gratitude that are still not well understood?
Shireen Olikh: One research area that I find very interesting is the cultural variations in expressing gratitude. It would be fascinating to examine how different cultures express and experience gratitude and what the impact is, not only on the psychological aspects but also on social interactions. This would help us understand it in a culturally sensitive way. For example, how we practise gratitude here may differ from how people in Western societies do it. If more research can show why it’s so important and how it has long-lasting effects, we could better understand its effectiveness and be more inclined to implement it.
Another area that isn’t well understood is the long-term effects of gratitude. We know that expressing gratitude improves resilience and social bonding, but what about life satisfaction? It would be interesting to compare someone who learned gratitude as a child and practised it throughout their life with someone who didn’t practise gratitude as often. We could look at their life experiences over the years—from childhood to teenage years, young adulthood, and into their senior years—and see how it affected them.
Imagine studying someone for 80 or 90 years, from childhood to their final years. What impact did gratitude have on their life? Did they benefit from it even when faced with challenges, such as illness? That would be a fascinating long-term study.
We also want to understand how gratitude affects us at different stages of life. If we could see how it benefits someone over a lifetime, it could help us understand what we can look forward to in different life stages. Many people might ask, “Why should I introduce this new habit of gratitude into my life?” If we could show them that practising gratitude could make them feel better about themselves, improve their relationships, and lead to a more fulfilling life, they might be more motivated to try it. If people can see that expressing gratitude can improve their life, they might be more willing to give it a try.
“If we could see how it benefits someone over a lifetime, it could help us understand what we can look forward to in different life stages.”
Shireen Olikh
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