A sibling may be an odd person to have in life. One minute you’re arguing over petty issues, and each sibling hides behind either parent. Then the next minute, you’re guarding each other’s secrets from your folks. Blood enemies or best friends? Funnily, the parents are the victims most of the time.
If left unresolved, sibling rivalries may aggravate to extreme levels causing serious family feuds, despaired hearts and unpleasant lives. So, we spoke to Dr. Sam Jeng Mun who is a clinical psychologist at Serene Psychological Services and a Senior Lecturer at Taylor’s University, to understand the cruciality of resolving sibling rivalries. Parents, listen up!
What is sibling rivalry?
Dr. Sam Jeng Mun: Sibling rivalry is the ongoing conflicts, communication differences and comparisons between siblings. It typically develops when the second child is born or when there’s a five to six years age gap between them.
Children are innate beings. Therefore, it’s no surprise that they can develop feelings like competitiveness, jealousy and hatred on their own. With that being said, the intensity of these feelings can be influenced by trigger factors.
How does sibling rivalry usually start? Are there types of sibling rivalry?
Dr. Sam: There are many types of sibling rivalry. It might take the form of:
- Verbal or physical fighting.
- Name-calling.
- Tattling and bickering.
- Being in constant competition for parental attention.
- Voicing feelings of envy.
Alarming cases of sibling rivalry may cause behavioural disorders like:
- OPPOSITIONAL DEFIANT DISORDER (ODD)
- Having temper tantrums.
- Arguing a lot with adults.
- Refusing to do what an adult asks.
- Doing things to annoy or upset others, including adults
- Blaming others for the child’s own misbehaviours or mistakes.
- Speaking harshly or unkindly.
- Seeking revenge or being vindictive.
Children with ODD are uncooperative, defiant, and hostile toward peers, parents, teachers, and other authority figures. Symptoms of ODD may include:
- CONDUCT DISORDER
Children with conduct disorder have antisocial behaviours. He or she may disregard basic social standards and rules by:- Being irresponsible.
- Skipping school
- Running away.
- Stealing.
What causes sibling rivalry?
Dr. Sam: The common factors are family and parenting styles. From my experience, it’s ubiquitous in our Asian background for parents to compare children to each other. The elders might have a favourite child whom they praise and favour in many circumstances. This leads to the other child having to compete for attention and validation.
Besides that, children look up to their elders. So if you’re constantly fighting with your spouse, your children might model that behaviour and have a lack of conflict resolution skills.
Another factor could be individuality. In other words, the child’s personality could be a reason for aggressive competitiveness. They would want to be taller, faster or smarter than the other sibling, even in the most trivial matters. This is so they can set themselves apart.
Other factors could also be major life changes like moving into a new home, expecting a new baby or parents getting a divorce. Since we’re dealing with developmentally immature little people, it’s understandable that they tend to vent those frustrations out on the nearest targets – their younger siblings.
The common factors are family and parenting styles. From my experience, it’s ubiquitous in our Asian background for parents to compare children to each other.
Is sibling rivalry aggravated among twins?
Dr. Sam: Sibling rivalry among twins could be higher than among siblings who aren’t. This could be due to the fact that they were born on the same date, and from the same family. Twins are more likely to be compared to each other and their strengths and weakness are always analysed.
In terms of gender, I don’t see a difference. Siblings of the same sex are bound to fight with each other just as much as siblings of different sexes.
It’s normal for siblings to fight but at what point does it become unhealthy?
Dr. Sam: Sibling rivalry is good and healthy. However, there must be a limit. It’s healthy because children should be allowed to have and express negative emotions. It becomes unhealthy when these emotions are harboured with no proper avenues to show them.
If this situation perseveres, the function of a sibling can change over time. Siblings are important relationships to keep as they can be your shoulder to cry on, a moral compass and a best friend who doesn’t judge.
How does sibling rivalry affect a family?
Dr. Sam: An entire family would be destroyed by sibling rivalry. Both the parents, the siblings and any external relations shared will be impacted by the negativity of two people. Family members would constantly have to walk on eggshells and choose ‘either/ or’ the other sibling.
A phone call will be cut off with a slew of harsh words. Family dinners could end with broken hearts and food fights. This is just frustrating and unfair to everyone. It can also impact the younger generation of the family who has to grow up in an unhealthy environment.
How does sibling rivalry affect the siblings in later years?
Dr. Sam: Children who grow up with unresolved issues with their siblings will carry on living like so. Over time, they will develop emotional and psychological troubles like trust issues, loneliness, depression and more.
In their daily interactions, these children will always be on the lookout for people who are out to hurt them. The siblings will also find it difficult to allow people into their lives since they automatically assume that everyone around them has ill intentions.
The impact can extend throughout their education, careers, interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships and so on. This is undoubtedly unhealthy and will hinder a person from a happy and positive life.
Parents have to make sure they are objective when dealing with their children, without picking sides, they must first listen and understand both their children’s standpoints. After that:
Treat kids fairly, not equally. If all kids are different, then how you parent all kids should be different, too. One child may need a different kind of attention, responsibility, and discipline to thrive than another.
Prioritize one-on-one time. Try to devote a few minutes daily to check in with each of your kids individually.
Give everyone some space. If your kids share a bedroom, designate areas of the house where they can each retreat to get a break from one another.
Create a cooperative environment. Avoid comparing your children, favouring one over the other or encouraging competition between them. Instead, create opportunities for cooperation and compromise.
Introduce family meetings. This is a great opportunity for all family members to air grievances, offer solutions, and work through conflicts away from the heat of the moment.
Can ‘detachment’ come into play between the siblings?
Dr. Sam: Emotional detachment is the inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. This detachment helps to protect some people from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress. So yes, detachment can appear in the picture.
Adult siblings will gradually withdraw from their families and one day, stop calling home. So, it’s imperative to look into sibling rivalries to avoid forming unhappy families.
How can one resolve sibling rivalry?
Dr. Sam: The intervention of parents or reliable third parties is absolutely necessary for resolving sibling rivalry, depending on the situation. If the siblings themselves can’t find a way out, then help is needed. My experiences have shown me that family therapies, interventions and simply talking it out do the trick.
The intervention of parents or reliable third parties is absolutely necessary for resolving sibling rivalry, depending on the situation.
What are the benefits of resolving sibling rivalry?
Dr. Sam: It’s nice to have a sibling because only they can understand your ups and downs better than anyone outside our family. So, resolving sibling rivalries can bring families together and foster love and care in each other’s lives.
Here’s a checklist of daily activities your children can do to help nudge them into overcoming their sibling rivalry.
25 Activities for Siblings to Bond
- Write your sibling a letter/li>
- Build something with your sibling
- Tell your sibling three things you love about them
- Make your sibling their favourite snack
- Teach your sibling to ride a bicycle
- Encourage your sibling in a tough situation
- Write a song for your sibling
- Draw a picture with your sibling
- Make your sibling’s bed
- Share a treat with your sibling
- Let your sibling go first
- Get your sibling a glass of water
- Say ‘sorry’ to your sibling
- Hold your sibling’s hand when walking
- Let your sibling pick a game to play
- Help your sibling with their homework
- Introduce your sibling to your friends
- Share your preloved clothes with your sibling
- Read a book with your sibling
- Teach your sibling to recycle
- Give your sibling a hug
- Say ‘thank you’ to your sibling
- Let your sibling pick a movie to watch
- Do a house chore together with your sibling
- Forgive your sibling
Sibling rivalries are often mistaken for a normal part of growing up. As much as it is, it should be monitored so that our kids will grow up to be decent and good adults. If not, grave consequences are to be borne. We hope our interview with Dr Sam has brought peace and hope to families who need them.
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Dr. Sam Jeng Mun is a Clinical Psychologist at Serene Psychological Services as well as a Senior Lecturer at Taylor’s University. She has been conducting psychological consultations and assessments for children and adults for 11 years. Her passion lies in improving mental health literacy among the general public. |
Sources: Healthline, Hopkins Medicine Organisation
